Today was one of those days where I felt my frustration and irritability with being a care taker. I went in waves of irritable to guilt to frustration to guilt to selfishness to guilt. I thought multiple times about how I would love to just snuggle the day away in my bed, but realized that wasn't an option with in being shower, shave, and foot cleaning day for gpa. As I watched him sleep in his recliner, I thought about how nice it must be to curl up in a spot you choose and just relax with no worry of caring for another. Then I felt guilt for having such a self-centered perception of what gpa was doing. Then a shift happened...
After much grief from gpa about how he couldn't possibly be dirty because he doesn't do anything, we lifted gpa up the stairs and help him maneuver his way into the shower. Then, he began to sing along to Frank Sinatra and enjoy his time. As I sat by the bathroom door, I realized that all of my feelings from the day weren't abnormal, but just needed to be recognized. And as I sat silent listening to him sing, recognition is what I gave them. Yes, I want to be free from constant worry. Yes, I want to be free from a constant must do list. Yes, I want to be free from trying to fuel someone else's independence. However, I don't want to be free from the moments I get with him. I don't want to be free from the moments of conversations where he can name every person who he's ever had contact with because they all mattered to him. I don't want to be free from his jokes, teasing, and funny learning moments in a 21st century world. I don't want to be free from the moments when he gives thanks and love for us being with him. To quote kid president, "Love is louder!" And all of those wants to be free from were drowned out by a heart full of love.
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