It’s been (about) 7 weeks; 1,176 hours; 70,560 minutes.
We have (about) 3 weeks; 504 hours; 30,240 minutes.
I've struggled this week son. It's a struggle you won't be aware of when your "happy card" arrives filled with laughable moments and uplifting words. But, nonetheless, I have emotionally struggled.
My why of this week's struggle...
*This week your dad would have turned 36. At the very base of that realization comes the reality that for 18 years I have been able to see him in you. But this year, I sat in memories trying to call up his face, his smile and his laugh....lifting my head up and shooting a smile towards the heavens. I have so often called upon him to walk alongside you, but never as much as I do now as you fly.
*Mother's Day is coming up...the backyard work, the flower planting, the warmth of both the dirt and sun. And once again I want to disregard it's happening because it feels a little less complete without you here. You and your brothers each complete life for me in unique ways and I am faithfully thankful as I emotionally struggle in want to hug you and gratefully celebrate our journey as a family together and completely.
*In recognizing that Mother's Day is approaching, I also realized that you won't be here for your birthday. The day you were born, is the day I was born in so many ways. No matter what the year has carried, that has always served as my "reset" day; a day to remember my first moments as a mom and to reset and return to the roots that built me.
*The countdown is narrowing and that makes me want for time to pass quicker, yet it seems to be going slower than previous weeks. I know that movement of time itself hasn't changed and it is my own piercing attention to it that is slowing it down, but in its slowness, I find myself sitting in emotion waiting for bed so the next day comes and it's another day closer. I am being a time waster...I appreciate this least of all of this journey.
*I ran into a recruitment officer this week. She knew you, she smiled when I said your name and she assured me you were being taken care of. Although uplifting, that solidified the reality that our relationship has and will continue to change as we shift into choice based interactions instead of need driven reality. I have not been a great role model of choosing consistent and deep relationships with my parents, but I hope that we have given you the roots to choose us in times of celebration and struggle, happiness and sadness, excitement and lull.
By the grace of God, this will serve as the week I spent feeling it all so that I can spend the next 2 weeks in excitement, pride and purpose....
We have (about) 3 weeks; 504 hours; 30,240 minutes.
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